You hurt me and I lost you.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell or treated you like shit.

I won't name and shame on here because as much as I despise this person, I'm not going to start everyone hating them, even if they don't know them. This girl treated me like dirt for 9/10 years of my life. I ended up being their target and I suppose it was because I rose to it. I took all the attention I could get when I was a child at school, especially from the 'popular' kids, which this girl was considered to be, so if they spoke to me at all I thought it was a privilege. What seemed like a normal conversation soon turned into them baiting me and basically taking the piss out of anything I said or did. Of course, I grew up eventually and began defending myself but I can never forgive them for how they made me feel. I'll always remember the day they said something to me in the corridor at secondary school and my immediate reaction (I had more confidence by this point) was to turn around yell "Fuck off," and the utter shock on their face that I'd stood up for myself was priceless - How I wish I had a camera.

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go but just drifted.

One of my childhood friends, Laura. She moved away at the end of year six and she was one of my close friends at the time. She moved about 2 hours away, not far to be fair, but I couldn't ask my parents to drive me there every weekend. I did go to visit once for a few days about 5 years ago-ish and had a great time but I haven't seen her face to face since. I really wish we hadn't drifted so much because recently one of her 3 brothers was killed in Afghanistan. He was a lovely guy and died far too young. If we hadn't stopped talking it would have been nice to have given my love to her personally because at least 70% of Yateley felt the loss because her family is known well to a lot of people here. Especially at those hard times it's sad to feel so apart from someone.

You gave me life.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

It's hard to pick just one person for this because everyone I know has given something to my life in a different way, so I'm going to have to slightly deviate from the actual wording and say that a few someones have made my life worth living for. My closest friends have obviously made my life worthwhile. I was bullied a lot when I was younger up to about Year 9 and the friends I have now gave me a new lease of life and helped me grow in confidence. Without them, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be the same as I am today - I'd probably be quite depressed and thankfully I'm not. I also feel it's worth living my life to see them have theirs. College is ending in just over 4 weeks, then there's exams and after that we'll all set off to University and hopefully off to start our careers. It's worth living to see all my friends grow up and become what they dream to be and seeing myself grow to be what I want.

I have hope and I don't want to.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Live. I mean, really live. Of course, there's a masssive long list of stuff I'd love to do in my life or with my life but a lot are so cliche and unoriginal like 'Get married, have a family and be happy.' That would be great but why does anyone want to hear me go on for a paragraph or more about my hope for what everyone wants? So I hope to live. I want to say yes to amazing opportunities, I want to do stupid things that I may regret but learn from and I just want to be. I have an email subscription to this brilliant website which sends me notes from the Universe. I first heard about Notes From The Universe the book from Davey Wavey (he pops up all over the place) and then discovered the website. To quote the blurb of one of the books I have, "What if the Universe were to send you frequent reminders of the absolute power you have over your life?" The Author Mike Dooley, known as the interpreter of The Universe, has made a collection of messages that are uplifting and inspirational. An example:

Limits are for those who don't believe in The Universe.

That rings true to me because to the best of our knowledge, this Universe is infinite and larger than we can imagine. The mind is an constant, neverending buzz of ideas and life takes us to places we never imagined, so I ask: why should my hopes, dreams and life be any smaller than our Universe? I don't utterly rely on my hope to live, I'm just going to live.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

I saw Day 6 and immediately thought, have someone I know die too young, but I've experienced that twice in the past 3/4 years so that didn't quite work out. I thought for a while after that about what to put here, and I've ended up at "I hope I never have to take someone elses life." By that I don't mean killing them dead, I mean taking their life's dream. In Day 5 I said I want to take opportunities, but I hope to never come to a point where I want to say 'Yes,' and that yes shouldn't be leaving my lips but someone elses. I'm aware there is a battle for jobs and we have to do what we can to get where we want but I'm not sure I could bare it if I stole someone's place when they had a bigger passion for the job than me. I don't think a lot of what I'm writing here makes too much sense so the overall gist: I hope to never fill someone elses shoes if they don't fit perfectly.

I forgive me and you.

(As I missed yesterday) - Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Lying. When I was little, up to about the age of 10, I tended to be a compulsive liar. It was never about anything big, just small little things like saying I'd seen a film I hadn't, read a book I hadn't or denying taking the last chocolate bar. Seems stupid to want to forgive myself for lying about tiny things, but as I'm the youngest in my family and I was the picture of innocence (sometimes) when I was younger, my brother and sister got bollocked for doing what I did. My brother and sister aren't my favourite people in the world at all even though we're all older now (Me: 18 in June, James: 21 in June and Ruth: 25 in July) and should be all mature and get along. Still, I do regret pinning all my crap on them because it wasn't really fair, but I was little and knew I could get away with it. I stopped doing it at around the age of 10, 11 because I was being sussed out by my Dad. It was fun while it lasted. I can occasionally get away with things nowadays (still small things like eating Ruth's not-so-secret stash of sweets) because I'll never get tired of the feeling of getting one-up on my siblings.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I actually couldn't think of something deadly serious for this, which almost sounds like I'm ego boosting myself saying I forgive everyone, which I don't, but I thought for literally hours and couldn't think of anything except stuff thats way too personal to put on here and mostly (and purposely) forgotten anyway. So I've decided that I need to forgive my friends for being so annoying. I adore them all, I really do but damn are they irritating sometimes.
Jess is just ridiculosly distracting, yet I love her for that because my life, and Graphics, just wouldn't be the same without her. She's also too funny. Laughing is part of my daily schedule around my friends but give my stomach muscles a break Miss Hill. There are 3 (I think) books full of quotes I have made her just to remember how funny she, and all of us, are. Jammy is stubborn as they come. Try telling her your paying for her cinema ticket, lunch or anything and she's not having it. Ever. I suppose her stubbornness translates into standing her ground which I'm proud of her for and who am I to put her in debt anyway!? Karlii is Miss Hygeine 2011 and I'm aware she can't help it (OCD and all that jazz) but it's amusing, sometimes for all the wrong reasons. She gets the hand sanitiser out for everything - even to wipe the floor of the sixth form common room. It's hard not to feel dirty around her which sets my paranoia going, but what's life without someone you love cleaning up after you? Lastly, there's Claire. What to do about Claire and her huge mouth? She is such a gossip which is very helpful when you want to know about everyone elses life because I'm nosy, but I try to tell her nothing that I know she'll shout out to the Universe and beyond. She's also a lot like me in the way if she has an opinion it's coming out of that mouth faster than light. I can't really fault her there though if I do it too.
That motley crew are loud, opinionated, hilarious and I couldn't love them more for it :)

I love me.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

My ability to argue back to anyone when needed. Jammy quite loves my argumentative streak as do I because living in my house, you need to be able to shout and scream your way to the top. Just over an hour ago I put it to use when my sister did her usual and started taking out her frustration on me, so up I stood and yelled back louder. A lot of times my parents tell me shouting back won't help, but I know no other way of getting my point across.
Being argumentative has tended to help as I went through secondary school too. Meeting Jess and other wonderful people in Year 10 helped me become louder and more confident and I finally learnt to say something back to the bitches in my year. So even though my mouth is big, it sure helps.

I hate me.

I've been doing the 30 Day Song Challenge on Facebook and through the wonderful world of Davey Wavey (http://www.breaktheillusion.com/) I came across the 30 Day Blog Challenge, also known as 30 Days of Truth. Basically, there's a subject for each day which the blogger must do a post about. Since my creative flow is dead and I like the sound of this, here goes.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
I'm lazy. I generally have an "I don't care" and "I can't be bothered" attitude which my Dad hates much to my amusement and as much as "I don't care" is one of my life mottos, it doesn't help me a lot. My room is constantly a mess because I really can't be arsed to clean it but I do enjoy telling my mum it's 'organised mess,' which is partly true because I actually do know where everything is. Ask me to find you my speakers shaped like disco men with giant afros and I can point you to my wardrobe, behind the shoe boxes and under the blanket. Still, it's a mess and 40% of the time I hate it.
My college work tends to get my "I don't care" speech a lot. I get to a certain point and give up because I'm either bored or think I can't do it anymore. My English Lit coursework and Extended Project got the brunt of it this year. I do think I have a fair reason to hate my English coursework though. It's hard to be motivated to do it when one of your teachers told you to your face, in fancier words, you're not much better than a C. And my Extended Project? Well I won't start on that because we may be here for a long time...

So... 1 day over, 29 to go.

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

As the end of 2010 nears, I sit in my bed watching a much loved film, Rent. The movie is an adaption of the Broadway musical (the musical element still exists in the film) and it follows lives of Bohemians in the East Village of New York who are struggling with sexuality, drugs, AIDS and paying their Rent (hence the play/film title).

The first words, or lyrics, spoken in the film paticularly caught my ear tonight:

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,

Five hundred twenty five thousand moments so dear.

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee,

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife?

In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes,

How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?

How about love?

How about love?

Measure in love.

The end of 2010 is only 10 days away so I'm going to take some time and words to mull over my year. I've never really thought about 'measuring' my year as such but now seems as good a time as any. I think the best way to measure a year is in, as the song says, love. So here goes.

MY YEAR IN LOVE:

Relationships.

If I think back to the very beginning of this year, I was in a relationship. To be perfectly honest I'd completely forgotten about it until now. It wasn't serious, it wasn't really going anywhere and it hasn't been missed but the experience can't be faulted. It gave me some insight into myself and I only grew as a person.

Friends.

In terms of love with friends, I can only jump around with happiness and laugh till the cows come home. A slight hitch in holiday plans for the end of the current school/college year caused a rift in the friendship group I frequented (I make it sound like a bar...) and things were tense. All soon righted itself though and we may have a obvious split in the group of about ten people, but it's for the best. I now have four incredibly close friends who I could not love more. Experiences over years and months have only brought us further together and I believe I have never had a single argument with any one of them. Small disagreements maybe, but nothing to shatter glass or bring tears. I couldn't ask for a stronger friendship than that I hold with those four.

The last month or so has brought me a new friend. Well, not necessarily new as I have known him for at least a year now, but it is only recently he has become a friend I would hate to lose. Some drama has surrounded him recently and through it all I've sat by and listened because thats all he needed. I've stood my ground for him because thats all he needed and just like the four mentioned previously, I couldn't love him more. For any of the five I hold very close to my heart, I would walk to the ends of the earth and back if it would save their lives or simply make them happy. (I forget just how soppy I can become sometimes).

Family.

To put it simply, my family is not close. We've never been close. Arguments are not a rarity in my house as we all very opinionated. However, the past year seems to have changed us all as individuals and as a family unit. I used to come in from college, throw my bags and folders down, run upstairs and not leave my room, except for dinner. My brother used to come home from work, run upstairs and not leave his room, except for dinner. My sister used to come home from work, go to her room for a few minutes and socialise for the rest of the evening with my Mum and Dad (if he wasn't on late shifts). Things have changed now. I come home from college, throw my bags and folders down, sit in the kitchen with my Mum while she makes dinner and either spend the evening in my room or sit downstairs socialising. My brother tends to socialise more after dinner nowadays and my sister has become the unsociable git of the family. Her routine seems to be home, dinner, room. The differences in my family seem to have brought us closer. Not in a massive way, but enough to stop arguments erupting every minute and enough to make us feel like a family for the first time since I can remember.

To measure my year in love would be of great satisfaction to me. I've lost a boyfriend, lost a few friends, gained closer friends and discovered a family. I couldn't thank life more for giving me an amazing year. So as 2010 draws to a close, I welcome it with a happy heart.